vagina vagina vagina

As we stood in the grocery line, I had a sudden thought. “Oh!” I said to my husband, “you take these. I forgot — ” and I was off and running. Okay, off and hobbling; my back is still pretty tender, but there I was, loping my way through the aisles toward the toiletries section…

… through the two shoppers whose carts were stopped, head-to-head and crossways blocking the wide aisle while they caught up on their gossip
… stopping short to avoid the dithering little lady with the overfilled cart, who wavered first one way, then another, grazing me on each side as she adjusted
… slinking through between one fellow who was doing recon on the shortest line, and his companion, who was pushing a full cart (and that was my bad, guys — sorry!)
… and into the Feminine Care aisle, only to discover
… a suited fellow standing there, facing me but blankly staring off into space, his body completely blocking the one shelf to which I needed access.

“Excuse me.”

No response.

Ahem. A little louder. “Excuse me, sir.”

Not a blink.

A-hem. “Sir, I just need to get to that shelf.” Nothing. “I just need to get to the TAMPONS, they’re right behind you.”

It was as if somebody flipped his “on” switch: he started, he glanced at me and then away, he flushed a becoming pink, and he skittered out of the corner where he was standing as if he’d been shocked, averting his eyes from me the entire time, because I had uttered the word tampons. I might as well have hollered VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA.

And next time, I will.

5 thoughts on “vagina vagina vagina

  1. What on earth is a dude even doing in that aisle?

    Absolutely NOTHING. He was just standing there like a mannequin, absolutely blank and immobile.

    To be fair, at that hour the whole damn grocery was full of blank, unblinking fools, including me.

  2. When we did our grocery shopping in Italy we used to call those sorts the Acqua People — because they moved like they were under water. Here we refer to the grocery store situation you describe as MORONICITY LEVEL: ELEVATED.

  3. There is something magical about supermarkets’ ability to zombify, which is why in college we liked to call the Super Shop ‘n’ Shop the Stupid Drop ‘n’ Flop.

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