Even if you don’t feel tipsy during the Halloween party, look for these dead giveaways:
– A complete inability to remove the foil from the champagne bottle, or to figure out how to uncage the cork without removing the foil.
– Taking the stairs down from the hosts’ apartment ever so slowly, getting both feet on each riser ever so carefully before moving on to the next.
– Your partner saying “You’re doin’ great!” at least three times during the five-minute walk home.
– Shucking off your bra and tights from under your costume in front of a (curtained) window while cheerfully giving the finger to the hypothetical neighbors who might be offended by the unintentional display.
– Being ever-so-proud! that you remembered to wash your face before bed.
– Waking up late the next morning ravenous for every smeary, fatty mass-market food being trumpeted by TV commercials.
– When your partner reveals that he brought home a frozen pizza last night, you rush wordlessly to him, fluttering your hands, and finally manage “I’m so glad we got married!”