hello, m’baby


Elsa, apropos of nothing: I sang the Michigan J. Frog song at the bar tonight.
The Fella:That sounds like you.


and I feel fine

The Fella: Is the show paused?
Elsa: No. [pushes some buttons, nothing changes] No.
The Fella: [notices sudden silence everywhere.] I think the world is paused.
The Fella and Elsa together: Nooooo!
Elsa: I think the world ended, honey. I’ll check Twitter.


Even if you don’t feel tipsy during the Halloween party, look for these dead giveaways:

– A complete inability to remove the foil from the champagne bottle, or to figure out how to uncage the cork without removing the foil.

– Taking the stairs down from the hosts’ apartment ever so slowly, getting both feet on each riser ever so carefully before moving on to the next.

– Your partner saying “You’re doin’ great!” at least three times during the five-minute walk home.

– Shucking off your bra and tights from under your costume in front of a (curtained) window while cheerfully giving the finger to the hypothetical neighbors who might be offended by the unintentional display.

– Being ever-so-proud! that you remembered to wash your face before bed.

– Waking up late the next morning ravenous for every smeary, fatty mass-market food being trumpeted by TV commercials.

– When your partner reveals that he brought home a frozen pizza last night, you rush wordlessly to him, fluttering your hands, and finally manage “I’m so glad we got married!”

… for everyone!

Elsa: [continuing, as usual] and he was presenting all these supposed benefits to women that are actually by-products of a sexist system that objectifies and marginalizes women while placing undue burdens on men to pursue us as sexual objects!
The Fella: I know.*
Elsa: I asked you out! Y’know why I asked you out?
The Fella: … because you liked me?
Elsa: That’s why I asked you out. You know why I asked?
The Fella: No?
The Fella: Yeah! It works out okay for me!

And then he went back into the kitchen and finished making pizza, which would have been a gender-prohibited behavior for most husbands a few decades ago, so there’s another example of how feminism is great FOR EVERYONE!

*Note: he did not know**.

**He did know about the sexist system, but not about the conversation.

“I love you.” “I know.”

This Han Solo role-playing pillowtalk I’m laying down is getting nothin’ from my husband. Go figure.

Obviously, I went for the iconic and the easy corruption: “I love you”/”I know,” “I’ll make ya do the Kessel Run in 12 parsecs,” and so on.

But there are so many Han Solo lines that lend themselves to pornification with no alteration at all.

[note: it gets a little salty after the jump.] Continue reading